Smile It's Christmas Day
by Dee Jay UU
Summary: Sakura recalls her and Sasuke's story as she's driving to meet him; possibly for the last time.  In which Sakura has an important choice to make; love or happiness.  Secret Santa for Just Lovely.


**Dedicated to Just Lovely. MERRY CHRISTMAS! I tried my best.**

**SS Prompts: ribbons and tomatoes**

**I'm happy I got you for Secret Santa (less than three!)

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"Sakura, where are you going?" My roommate asked as I fastened the last buttons on my favorite, warmest coat.

"To see him." I assumed it was obvious. Why else could I possibly be this happy? Ino sighed, like she always did whenever I brought him up.

"Sakura, are you sure this is smart? You're obsessed with this guy! All he does is send you expensive gifts and woo you. When he bothers to call, he barely says anything at all. He won't even let you call him first. You've never even told me his name. Sometimes I wonder if he bothered to tell you even that much. You deserve more than anyone is giving you now, so why?" Even if what she said was absolutely true, the words didn't faze me a bit. She didn't know the half of it.

"What would he get out of it? He loves me, but he has his secrets. That's why I can't see him all the time, but now I can. Don't make a big deal out of this now. I have to leave and I don't want to be fighting over Christmas." I put a hand on her knee in an affectionate gesture. She was pouting at me in an oh-so-Ino, child-like, way from behind the tomato-red couch pillow she was hugging.

"Secrets he can't tell you?" Her lower lip was trembling. I knew she was scared for me.

"That's not it at all. I know all his secrets. I've seen him living them out. I just… they aren't my secrets to tell. I'm sorry," I kissed her on forehead. Her being upset was so not helping me to leave. "I promise. I'll be back before you know it."

"It's not fair," She was whining. "I'm prettier. And your long lost sister. You can't leave me alone for Christmas. It's inhuman, bitch."

"I love you too, sweetie." She sighed, seemingly resigned for now. "Exchange gifts now?"

"Yeah, one sec. I'll go get yours." Her face lit up a bit when she walked over to our Christmas tree. We spent forever putting up all the decorations. Everything had to be in exactly the right place with exactly the right spacing. We had to tie rich red velvet ribbons to the end of multiple branches, on exactly the right branches in exactly the right way on exactly the right angle.

Living with Ino was enough to drive you insane sometimes.

From under the tree, she grabbed the gift that I knew was meant for me, as well as the one I'd wrapped for her. Last night we were both took turns slipping in and out, trying to peek and guess what was inside ours, and pretending the other didn't know. Ino may be light, but her footsteps were anything but quiet.

Without words, she held out my gift. The way it was wrapped; metallic golden paper with one of those peel-and-stick silver bows, reminded me so much of her. It was shiny and lustrous and glamorous.

She opened hers first, ripping it carelessly, eager. The paper fell to the floor where I knew she wouldn't pick it up for days. What would she do without me for more than 3 hours at a time?

"Stiletto boots! Just what I wanted!"

"I know. Even though you have three pairs already." I was still finding notes hinting (demanding) I buy her another pair. She was ridiculous and unreasonable, which is why I loved her. At least I know she'll wear them at least three times until they disappear into the abyss that is her shoe closet.

It should be a guest room. I went in there by accident once- I almost got lost.

"Now open yours." Carefully, I peeled back the wrapping on my present. It was so beautiful, I didn't want to tear it up and throw it out.

"It's a journal," I gently ran my fingers over the soft, suave plum-colored cover. The word "Memories" was embossed on the cover.

"You're always writing on napkins and whatever scraps of paper you find lying around, and then you keep them and clutter up the house. I figured if you carried this around, you wouldn't have to," I pounced on her and squeezed her gratefully.

"Thank you, I love it," The doorbell rang as I spoke. I stuffed the journal in a bag and crawled off Ino to answer it.

"Oh, Sakura, have you seen Ino? I'm here to pick her up," Naruto's ever present grin was stretched across his face when I swung the door open.

"Oh my god, I totally forgot about our date! I was so distracted thinking about Sakura leaving," Ino immediately jumped up off the house and bounded out of the room, probably to start flailing somewhere over what to wear and what not.

I stepped away from the door frame to let Naruto in.

"Great. Knowing her, I'll probably be stuck here for at least an hour waiting for her," He rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. I knew he didn't mind. He adored Ino from head to toe. They were a match made in heaven if I ever saw one.

He paused to eye my bags. "Where are you going?"

"To see Sasuke," Understanding flooded his features, along with a little of his own regret. He was his friend too. "Ah, I see. I haven't seen him in forever. Slap him for me when you see him for making you wait. Don't let that bastard hurt you too much. If it isn't working out, then you should just give up. I'm starting to wonder if either of you are ever going to be happy this way."

Even through harsh words, I could tell Naruto still loved him. They had the most ridiculous bromance. It shouldn't work at all, and although neither of them would ever admit it, they were best friends. "I know that Naruto. I promise."

"I'll help you with your stuff if you're leaving now," I nodded, accepting his offer, and picked up the bag closest to where I was standing and made my way back to the door again. Naruto followed my example.

"I'm leaving now, Ino," I called out, letting my voice bounce down through the house to where ever she disappeared to groom herself.

"By Sak, I'll- Ow!" I figured she burned herself on her straightener or something like that. "I'll miss you.

I had to hesitate for a moment. How could I leave this walking disaster on her own? As independent as she was, she was impulsive and irresponsible. It did not make for the best person to leave alone all the time

"Go," Naruto noticed and nudged me slightly. "She's a big girl; she can take care of herself."

"Promise you'll take care of her?" I turned to beg him with big pleading eyes.

It didn't work; he's known me too long.

"Go, Sakura, I'll take care of her." Biting my lip I stepped through the door frame.

The unforgiving winter wind immediately assaulted my face. I felt so far from home already.

"Look, it's snowing," I looked up. A million feathery pieces of glitter were swirling around and around, dancing in their graceful descent. I envied how light they were when I felt chained to the ground. "It's sticking. I guess that's only going to make your trip more difficult."

"It's fine." We tossed my bags in the back on my trunk. "It'll be a white Christmas."

"You better come home safe, or I'll personally kick that kid's ass straight to the moon." Shaking my head, I wrapped my arms around him in a goodbye hug.

"Have a good Christmas, and stop worrying so much about me. I'm a big girl, too." He hugged me back. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," He said before pulling away and walking back into the warmth.

It left me defenceless, the chill finally reaching me through my parka. There was nothing else I could do but walk around and climb into the driver seat, where at least the sides of the car stood between me and the suddenly massive world I was chasing down.

Closing the door, I realized how far away he was and how potentially heart-crushing this trip could become. I wanted to see Sasuke- the months apart left me with an empty hole and physical ache to be in his presence, but that only made it harder.

I was scared; justifiably so. I was putting my heart on the line here. Nonetheless, this whole situation was something that I needed to face eventually, especially if I wanted my happy ending.

This was when I had to decide, was this all worth it? Should I continue hurting myself that much longer because this was worth something, or was I just some crazy not-quite-twenty-year-old living in some sort of twisted disillusion that was persistently tearing at me?

Was I going to cling to the past, or let go and move one? Moving on sounded unbearably comfortable, but letting go wasn't so easy. Every thought of him ignited the resounding sadness, longing, and intense attraction that shook me up until I was ready to burst like a can of soda pop. The deep attachment wasn't something I could sever without ripping pieces out in the process.

I was in love with him.

But the question was, was loving him really worth it?

I love driving. It gives you time to sort out everything you were thinking. My thoughts are always jumbled up into a big confusing mess I never had time to deal with.

This whole trip was to work out all the confusion going on up there, so it was a good thing I had to drive so far to get to him, no matter how much it was snowing. There wasn't much I could do about that anyway- it was a storm.

But even driving wasn't working for me this time. I tried to work everything out, but it sprung back into the pile. No matter how much I yanked at it, looked at it from different angles, I couldn't break anything free from the mind clutter.

Thinking was too difficult. But food wasn't, and I was starving, so I found one of those yummy burger places where you tell them what you want and they give you your custom burger.

"I'll have a cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, lettuce, A.1., and double the regular amount of tomatoes to go," I ordered at the counter.

"Double the tomatoes?" The cashier confirmed.

"Yeah, I like tomatoes."

_"Thank you and have a nice day," I forced out as pleasantly as I could. Being friendly to everyone who walks past you gets old real fast. You can tell a lot about a person from what they purchase at Food 'R' Us. It can be excessively disturbing. "Next please?"_

_The next customer slid their bag of produce in front of me. I wondered who in the world would need that many tomatoes. Seriously- I kind of doubted there were any tomatoes left at all, but it was never my job to question the customer._

_"Hello sir, and how may I help you?" I looked up and saw his face for the first time._

_He was… I would say beautiful, but that was obviously an understatement. I wasn't aware that divine creatures really existed, and if they did, why did no one tell me?_

_I would have called him an angel, but he looked too cryptic. He looked like the kind that brings trouble. He had inky hair with some pieces of hair choppy and long, others shorter. Despite his dark hair, he had fair, smooth, too-perfect skin._

_And then there were his eyes. They were as pitch-black as his hair, but still had a soft quality, like charcoal in a picture that you could smudge with a brush of your finger._

_"You don't have to look so sad, you know." Even if he tried to look like he didn't care, there was sadness behind it. It was visible in that softness of those eyes and could be traced in the set of his jaw. I had the impulse to reach out and help him somehow, but what could I do?_

_His eyebrows shot up, surprised. I didn't blame him. I probably sounded like a lunatic, so I checked out his stupid tomatoes before I made an even bigger idiot of myself. We finished without saying another word to each other in a sort of weird quiet._

_It was none of my business, but as he walked away, I had the urge to call him back and find out what was wrong. It could easily have been my imagination, but I had that deep down gut feeling that I was right. Instead of following through, I spent the rest of the day standing at the boring register with nothing to do but worry about a boy with sad eyes._

That was the first time I ever saw Sasuke, more than two years ago.

**Yeah, transition. Put it all in italics, or something?**

I grabbed my order and walked back to my car.

After that, I stopped trying to think. Instead, I just remembered.

**Transition here**

_"Sakura!" Naruto greeted me in on the corner we agreed to meet at. I turned my head, and realized he brought a friend. I'd seen him before._

_"It's the tomato guy!" Naruto looked back and forth between to two of us._

_"You two know each other?"_

_"Figures you two know each other," even his voice was attractive. "You both are crazy."_

_So, he was a jerk. Why is it always the pretty ones?_

_"So, what's up with you and Sasuke?" Naruto asked a few weeks later._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I don't know. You guys have gotten close."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, almost like a couple."_

_"That's crazy." I said, but thinking about it, I wouldn't mind us being a couple at all._

Suddenly, everything I passed reminded me of him.

I saw a man walking out of a convenience store, plastic bag in hand.

_"Here," He trusted an over-flowing plastic bag in my face. "For Christmas."_

_I hadn't expected anything at all, but it was just like a guy to give presents in a plastic bag. Even so… it was flattering. From what I knew about Sasuke, he was not the type to do things for others out of the kindness of his heart._

_"Thank you," I took the bag and peeked inside. It was filled with spools of satin ribbon, in all the patterns and colors of the rainbow. He noticed how I always had some kind of satin ribbon tied to me somewhere, whether it was on my work apron, in my hair, or around my wrist. Just the fact that he noticed something so trivial about me was a gift of its own._

_"Why are you always wearing a ribbon anyway?"_

_"I'm not sure," I answered honestly. "I just like how it feels between my fingers. I like to rub them when I'm stressed or upset. It calms me down."_

_There was a moment of silence that neither of us were quite sure how to break, not quite meeting the other's eyes more that partway._

_So instead of speaking, I stood on my tip-toes so I could kiss him full on the lips. I didn't really think it through, but I was glad I didn't. If I thought about it, I probably wouldn't have followed through. It was to die for. "Merry Christmas."_

_But the words seemed to snap him out of some trance, and he snapped away from me immediately._

_"I'm sorry, Sakura," I wasn't used to hearing emotion in his voice. I couldn't quite place it. "You should stay away from my from now on. It isn't worth it."_

_Watching him walk away, I felt more than just simple rejection. I felt heartbreak._

I saw a man running in the middle of the heavy snow.

_I was driving home from where ever I was coming from. I was upset, for whatever reason, but I couldn't tell you why. It seems so unimportant now._

_Out the window, I saw someone running past. Sprinting would be a more accurate way to put it. I couldn't see them clearly until they ran out of breath and stopped. I knew that face_

_._

_Why was he running in a snow storm? It was my first clue something was wrong._

_"Sasuke!" I pulled over and rushed over to where he stood panting. "Sasuke, what's wrong?"_

_He looked up at me and written across his face was the part of him I knew he never wanted anyone to see._

_He was in pain—you could see it in the way it twisted up his beautiful face. You could hear it in the urgency of his breaths. Knowing him and his need to look in control all the time, me being there was probably not helping him any, but I couldn't pull myself away._

_"Sakura," I remember his voice. It was so broken. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. I wanted so badly to reach out and tell him everything would be okay, like I knew what he was going through, but empty words wouldn't help anyone. I felt so useless, so powerless._

_I could tell from the second I saw him, something was different about him. From the new, exposed look in his eyes then, I could see what it was. He was sad, hurt, burdened with whatever it was he was going through. This was deeper than a scratch on a knee I could just kiss and make it better._

_I tried to wrap an arm around his wide shoulders and lead him back to my car. I could at least get him out of the public eye and freezing cold so no one else had to see him like that. Even just standing up looked somewhat painful for him. I pushed him into the back seat and climbed in after._

_"Where does it hurt?" That, at least, I could help with. I wasn't at all surprised that he ignored me instead. I started to reach for the hem of his shirt, but I was blocked._

_"I'm finding out where it hurts, even if I have to do a full body check. Let me see." He glared, but I wasn't backing down. Grudgingly, he moved his arm away, letting me peel shirt up and over his head._

_It was the most brutal thing I'd ever seen. There were huge wine colored pools all over his chest and shoulders. Just seeing it shot jolts of pain through my stomach. Even the slightest contact looked enough to have you screaming._

_I slid onto the floor and motioned for him to lie down. He groaned with the effort, and flinched when his back hit the seat. He was probably covered there too._

_"Sasuke," I whispered. "What happened to you?"_

_Suddenly it was really warm and the air was tinged with the smell of salt-water. I felt something hot run down my cheek. I was crying, but not because just anyone was lonely or someone was hurt. I was crying because it was Sasuke, and I might possibly be head over heels in love with him._

It scared me all over again, just thinking about it.

Later he explained how his family held way too much power over him, how no one could help because his father ruled over the entire cooperate world and could win any argument, any lawsuit, and crush any ways out. He was destined to be part of that. He said it was a pressure on him I couldn't imagine. It was an iron chokehold he wouldn't be able to escape for the rest of his life.

He couldn't escape the beatings.

I drove past a hospital.

_I sprinted down the sterile halls of the hospital. The air was saturated with the nose-stinging smell of bleach and sickly old people. Normally, it would make me nauseous, but I couldn't even bother with what was around me._

_All I could focus on was finding him. I never even thought that things would get so bad that he'd have to be hospitalized. I was hit again with how helpless I was._

_All I could see were the numbers of the rooms as I ran by. Everything else passed in a blur._

_Finally, I found the room I'd been looking for and barged in. Sasuke was lying in one of those depressing hospital beds. He was still beautiful, but any color or energy he had was drained from his face. He looked look like a fallen angel._

_"Sasuke, Sasuke, are you okay?" My voice was mad with worry and distress._

_"I'm fine, Sakura," You could hear the effort put into each word. He was lying, but I smiled anyway. He was alive, thank God, because I wasn't about to start living without him now._

_"What is this?" I was startled by a deep voice. I tore my eyes from Sasuke to see a large, intimidating man also standing over his bed._

_As soon as I made the connection, my vision turned red and blotchy. The man had all the same features as his son. It was obvious to see that he was Sasuke's father._

_"You," I hardly recognized the words as my own. I didn't know I could spit so much venom. "Are the lowest. Do you even realize what you're doing? Who the hell hurts their own son? You might not care about him, but there are other people who do."_

_"I love my son and who are you to tell me otherwise?" He was angry. Good. At least my words were getting across to him somehow._

_"If you do, then why?" I was screaming now, tears streaming down my face. "Why would you do this to him? It goes against everything a parent could want for a child they love."_

_"Stop it, Sakura," Sasuke croaked. "It's fine."_

_"No! I'm so tired of you telling me everything is fine, because it isn't. You're hospitalized. You're hurting, I'm hurting, and even he's hurting, and he's the one who started it all. No one is happy- can you really call that okay?" There was an uneasy pause as I waited for someone to answer._

_"She's just like her," Sasuke's father's face was twisted in pain, but he sounded in pain. "She's just like your mother."_

_He walked to the doorway with clenched fists._

_"As soon as you're discharged, we're leaving," He said without turning back to face us. "You're never going to see this girl again if you know what's good for you."_

_He left us alone. I broke down. I couldn't stop sobbing._

I pulled into a motel. I was only about an hour away from where Sasuke was.

I tried to sleep, but knowing he was that close, I couldn't. Instead, I sat down and wrote everything I remembered in my memory journal. I didn't stop for a long time—the next time I looked at the clock, it was four AM.

Even after that, all I could think was Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.

I lied awake, until it was time to go meet him again.

I walked up to our agreed meeting spot, excited, and a little bit nervous.

When I saw him, I stopped in my tracks.

I felt nauseous. My heart was being mutilated in my chest- pulled and stretched in every direction. My eyes were burning with stinging, hot tears that froze to my lashes. Some strange noises where tearing up my throat, but I wasn't sure if they were sobs or if I was gagging. I was flooded with self-disgust. I swear, if he wasn't right there, waiting for me to run to him, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have thrown myself into the street at the very moment.

I didn't see the man I see when I close my eyes or the face I dream about and gives me that blissful humming happy feeling some mornings. This was the face that gave me nightmares that tangle up my sheets and wake Ino up at night. There is was, painfully obvious on his smooth alabaster skin- a huge swelling violet mark covering his face from his temple all the way down to his chin. Its simple existence was tearing me up.

It was obvious that it was my fault. It always was. If only I wasn't so selfish. If only I could stop loving him- wanting to see him, getting him in trouble, because for some reason he wanted to see me too. The universe was playing some disgusting, painful, heart-killing game on us. It teased us with what we couldn't have, yanked the rug from under our feet, and made it physically painful to try and hang on- quite literally in his case.

"Sakura," He called me, so I ran to him. I should be running away, I didn't deserve to hurt him like this anymore. I was too selfish to let go after all. Even with all of… this attached, it was more than I could ever ask for. As much as I willed myself to wish otherwise, I wouldn't want it any other way.

"Sakura," his voice became soft and affectionate. He bunched all the broken pieces into strong arms. It only hurt more that he was only gentle to me, the girl who least deserves. "Everything is fine, Sakura."

"No, nothing is fine, Sasuke," I tried to glare at him for even trying to sell me that, but glares didn't work so well through tears. "He hit you again, and it's all my fault. I should've known this would happen. We can't do this anymore, it just hurts both of use more and more and you're worth it, but God knows I'm not. You could just be so much happier and there's really no point because there is never going to be a happy ending and-"

"Sakura, stop rambling. Look at me," Doesn't he realize that's what hurt most? I looked again at him and the ugly discoloration swallowing up his perfect features. But I saw something else there, too. Underneath that, there was… a light, or energy behind his eternally serious expression. He wasn't smiling, he rarely did, but you could tell, despite everything, that he was… happy. "Everything is fine. I have it all worked out. Itachi is taking over the company, and my father is retiring. I'm free from him now."

It took a moment for me to soak it all in. I rejected hope for so long; even after rolling the idea around in my mind over and over I still could hardly believe it, like his words were spoken in unfamiliar code.

"What does this mean?" My brain hurt but a warmth was spreading trough me, even in the freezing December.

"It means that we don't have to be afraid," But I was always afraid; for him. I couldn't even remember a time I wasn't drowning in worry, but with Sasuke attached, sometimes I didn't think I wanted to. Could this really happen? "That is, if you still want to be with me now."

"I love you- I still want to be with you and I always will." It was quiet. Neither of us were sure what to say next. "As much as I love you, I don't know anything about you, Sasuke. Come back with me today. Naruto would flip. We need to start from the beginning. We never really had a relationship, just a problem we were both sucked into out of love. Let's fall in love all over again."

"That doesn't sound too hard," He kissed my forehead. "Merry Christmas"

Finally I could smile, truly and honestly for the first time since my life started. "Merry Christmas, Sasuke." 


End file.
